Every new beginning comes some other beginning's end

That song is very relevant to me right now. For those of you who know me or read this blog you know that I was going through the journey of TTC for 14 months. This past cycle I had an U/S on CD11 and there were a TON of follicles (too many in fact) so my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS and had me come back on CD14 to check for progression. If they didn't grow they wanted to start me on provera to get my next cycle and then up the clomid to 150. Well when the U/S had showed my follicles had shrunk again, I made a decision. I was originally going to do one more cycle and then break for the holidays. I did some serious soul searching and decided that I would skip the 15th month and get the Realize band. It wasn't an easy decision for me, it really is a last resort. As many people who know me know I've been battling this with everything I have and it hasn't made a difference. And my weight is probably the main reason why I was unable to conceive this time. So I'm going to take a break and get back down to a more healthy weight (aiming for 150 again, only this time I'll make it) and then talk about getting back into TTC. I will be scheduling the surgery for sometime in February or March because I have to do 6 months of a medically supervised diet as part of the conditions of my insurance. I appreciate all of my friends and family for being so supportive even though I was a Debbie Downer and probably a bit bitchier than normal too. I know that you'll be there to support me through this too, a much easier task I'm sure! So now I will be blogging about my experiences with the surgery before and after and many other things involved with getting back to a healthy me! I will be posting pictures because even though I am having surgery I still have to watch what I eat and exercise or it will all be a waste!

Well according to the bloodwork drawn on CD17 I did not ovulate (thanks two different brands on OPKs for getting my hopes up!) I took prometrium CD18-28 and I am now on CD38 still waiting for AF to rear her ugly little head. If she doesn't show by Monday I get to call in and find out what's next? In the mean time I've been sick as a dog, but today so far I'm feeling better. I will have something new next week to post I'm sure, I just wish I knew why my body just decided to quit working on me.

Doctor's visit 7/25/11

I got my ultrasound and there were a few follicles that were growing but not quite "big enough" So because I got the positive OPK he wants us to BD (baby dance for all non-TTCers) tonight just to be safe. I have another ultrasound scheduled for 1015 on Thursday and depending on that ultrasound is where the plan changes a bit. If the follicle has grown "big enough" (he'd like to see 20 mm) we will do the HCG trigger shot and then an IUI on Saturday. If the follicles have decreased, we will be a progesterone blood draw to verify ovulation and then wait to see if I get a BFP. If they've grown, but not enough I assume we scrap the cycle, but not sure as I don't want to think those negative thoughts. I did manage to lose about a pound and a half since June 14th, so that was really awesome news too. It was a mixed apppointment, but nothing bad so I still have hope.

New Hope

I feel like we kind of have an answer as to why I'm not pregnant after a year even with 11 normal cycles. We have about 99% of a plan set, still unsure about the last part. I have my next ultrasound Monday July 25th and I will decide from there. Either way I am on clomid days 3-7 and estrogen (to thicken my lining) days 8-12. At the ultrasound I will likely be given an HCG shot and at that time I decide if I want to do things the normal way or choose an IUI. I never wanted interventions, but my doc says its my best bet. Even with the IUI, I still only have a 21% chance at finally getting my BFP. That's pretty much it for now, hopefully good news in the 25th!! Baby dust to all my fellow TTCers!!

Another month, another heartbreak

I've tried to stay positive in all this but after a full year and blood tests showing I didn't ovulate I'm tapped out. I don't know where to go from here or if this is just a sign that Ethan will be an only child. I never wanted that for him, but I can't make my body work if it's not meant to. If this is a joke, it's not funny!! I just want to wake up from this year-long nightmare. I never could have fathomed that after two pregnancies in a year I would be struggling with infertility. I guess there isn't much else I can say at this point. I feel like I'm failing at the one thing women were meant to do.

Screw you AF, no really I mean it GTFO

Who knew after 11 months I would still be here? I thought I'd be ok because of the due date, but surprise I'm not! Just so lost, hurt, confused and so much more right now! Not much to say that hasn't been said. Guess I will use this next cycle to do my best to take off some damn weight. And now I am getting wasted as hell at my 10 year reunion this weekend!!!!!!!!!

Month 10 also a no go, but with added hopes

AF was due to come on Friday May 6th. And when I went to bed Friday night still a no show. Saturday night came and went still nothing, even though my test was negative I was hopeful because I knew I had ovulated a bit in my cycle (never stopped AF from showing up on time before, not sure why it did this month.) Sure enough I wake up Sunday morning to an unwelcome surprise. I think this month was a lot harder because for the first time in 10 months of trying I was actually late. I actually thought this could be my month. It just wasn't meant to be.

I have an appointment with my new doc on June 6th which is one day after AF is due next month. If for some reason it doesn't show up on time, no need to test because I will be able to confirm/deny it at the doctor. Not sure how I would feel about it though as my due date based on my LMP would be February 12th (the due date for my first pregnancy, the one that ended in miscarriage, was February 14th.) If it is meant to be, it will be, but that first trimester could be extra stressful on me.

I am taking a new approach to TTC. No more OPKs at all, its taking the fun out of it for me. And I need to take back some control. No more making my life about stupid little sticks that aren't doing a damn bit of good anyway. I will try for one year, after that I'm done and will just see what happens after that.

What a waste

I chose my OBGYN based on the fact that he delivers at St. Elizabeth's (where my son was born) and that he believes in VBACs. I wasn't that happy with him because he never really seemed to listen to what I had to say, but those things were important to me. But after my last two "appointments" I decided I could give in on the hospital.

I went in for my yearly exam and it was the usual, undress and he'll be in shortly. After over an hour of sitting in the exam room he still hadn't come in, but neither had a nurse to let me know what was going on. About 15 minutes later a lady walks in and says "Dr. Hucker can't be here today, I'm the midwife for this practice, is it ok if I do your exam?" Sure, whatever. Just wanted to get out of there.

And that brings me to the absolute final straw, I had called a couple weeks ago after I'd found out my 9th month was a waste. I told them i'd been trying for 9 months and they told me they would run some tests. (like I mentioned in my last post) My (ex doctor) is in Belleville, IL and I live in Imperial. That's a 45 minutes drive. I make that drive and pay a 20 copay. I get in there and all the jackass tells me is that I have to wait 15 months of trying before they will run tests. Why couldn't I have heard that for free over the phone? I found a new doctor later that day and I have my first appointment June 6th for a new patient consultant. If I'm not pregnant already, they said they will do an ultrasound to make sure everything is open as it should be.

We shall see what this month holds in less than 2 weeks. I got a postive OPK on Easter, and I did some checking and with my LMP my EDD would be 1-13-12 (not that I would give birth on time) but that is my son's 3rd birthday. Maybe those two things are signs? Maybe its wishful thinking? Probably more the latter, but I can't allow myself to think negatively because it won't happen if I do.

An ever changing family

I will start with a summary of how the Marsee family came to be: